...:::Dominance:::...
If you want a quality partner you’ll have
to take some time and get to know them.
In some ways, choosing a good Dominant is similar
to choosing a good partner in general.
In others it’s quite different because of the
unique style of our relationships.
The key difference is that when we go into subspace,
we make ourselves vulnerable in ways that we may
never do with a vanilla partner.
This makes the D/s relationship far riskier
and we must take extra care when choosing partners.
Here are some things to look for, to avoid,
and to ignore in your search for a quality Dominant.
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A Dominant Is…
Respect
A quality Dominant shows respect to Submissives,
and to everyone.
He or she asks questions about your life,
listens to the answers
and doesn’t put you down.
Balance
A quality Dominant keeps a balance
between their vanilla and BDSM lives.
They can talk about their family,
pets, and other things
that have nothing to do with BDSM.
They have a sense of humor about the lifestyle,
and don’t take themselves too seriously.
Avoid Dominants with a chip on their shoulder,
or who cannot hold a job or keep friends.
Especially avoid people who complain about
their ex partners or about
everyone else in the scene.
One day you will be the ex and they will
be bitching about you.
Communication
A quality Dominant needs to be able to
access their emotions, and articulate them.
If they are the stereotypical guy who
can’t express their emotional side,
they will not be able to support your
emotional side when the time comes.
If they can’t control their temper,
or they make a big drama out of life,
they will be too self-directed
to take care of you.
One Dominant I know changes the subject
when I talk about sad or angry emotions.
I don’t mind so much when it’s
about small things,but this tells me
that I couldn’t depend on him if
I were really upset about something.
Consistency
A quality Dominant is as
good as their word.
If they say they’ll show up at 6 PM,
they show up.
If you are going to trust this person
with yourbody and possibly your heart,
you need to know that they
will come through.
A sometime Dominant is not
an effective Dominant.
Depth
A quality Dominant recognizes that
D/s relationships
have several dynamics that are very different,
and sometimes far more
complex than vanilla ones.
Because of this, he or she should have a
better understanding of human nature
than the average Joe or Jane.
Messing with subspace is a
heavy experience.
Doing it with a shallow or
superficial person makes for
a shallow and superficial experience.
Competency
A quality Dominant does not need
to know how to use every toy in the toy box,
but they do need to be motivated to learn.
A novice should not be doing high-end play
like whipping,fire play, or knife play
without a mentor to guide them.
They should be knowledgeable about
how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases,
and have an awareness of first aid.
They know that reading and
fantasizing about BDSM
is not the same thing as doing it.
Pacing
A quality Dominant doesn’t hit on
you during the first date,
and doesn’t discourage you from dating
other people until you are
ready to make a commitment.
They know that a good relationship takes time
and that there’s no need to rush
in or glom onto you.
They also don’t try to “make” you submit before
you have given permission to go ahead.
References
A quality Dominant is known by someone.
A novice may not have BDSM references,
but everyone has friends and family.
If they are totally in the closet
and can’t even offer a vanilla reference
then they might not be a
good person to get involved with.
Being “known” in the scene doesn’t guarantee
that a person is a good Dominant,
but they will probably be a safe Dominant.
I know a few Dominants
who have great reputations because of
their technical knowledge,
but have little to offer
when it comes to the complexities of
a real relationship.
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A Quality Dominant Isn’t…
Lord This and Mistress That
In the days of the Old Guard,
a Dominant had to “earn” their leather vest.
Anyone who wore it could be considered a safe
and experienced player.
Today, anyone can call themselves
Lady Bigcheese or Master Bigshot.
Author Jay Wiseman writes in his article
“Ten Tips for the Novice, Single,
Heterosexual, Submissive Woman”
of a submissive friend who
“has concluded that there is also a strong
inverse relationship between how many titles
a man awards himself and
how good a dominant he is.”
Similarly if they make an “entrance”
a la Scarlet O’Hara or claim
relationships with
many well-known scene personalities,
they lose points on the respect-o-meter.
Ignore the titles and look at the person.
Cheating on their Partner
A Dominant who will cheat on their partner,
be it spouse or other relationship,
will also cheat on you.
I believe in Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC),
and cheating on your partner is not consensual.
A Dominant who lies is not a safe Dominant.
Toy Obsessions
Dominants who obsess about
their toy collections
send the message that BDSM is about the toys.
It’s not.
A quality Dominant does not
need equipment to dominate,
only a powerful and creative mind.
Not to mention those who dangle
multiple toys off their belt,
especially when they aren’t playing.
Horndog on the Prowl
Many novice Dominants or vanilla horndogs
view Submissives as a quick way
to get some free nookie.
Wiseman also comments about another
Submissive friend who
“has come to believe that there
is a strong inverse relationship
between how good a dominant a man
is and how quickly he brings up the
subject of fellatio.”
I’d laugh if I had not found this
exact thing to be true.
Bullies & Manipulators
Some people think that being a bully
means they’re being dominant.
Bullies tell you how things are done and
get upset when you disagree.
Adults discuss the options respectfully.
A real Dominant doesn’t have to
force you to do anything.
Dominants who try to manipulate
you into doing what they want are losers.
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A Good Dominant May or May Not Be…
There are lots of things that people
think makes someone a good Dominant,
but in fact they really don’t
indicate much of anything.
They include:
You Are Turned On
Just because someone makes you hot
doesn’t mean they know a darn
thing about dominating.
It could be pheromones or maybe they
remind you of an old flame.
It doesn’t mean anything except
that you are turned on.
Whether or Not They Initiate Contact
Some Dominants believe that initiating
contact with Submissives is their nature
and so they always take the lead.
Others believe in allowing
Submissives to be attracted to them.
Neither is indicative of any innate ability
to effectively dominate someone.
Privacy Issues
I never give out my real name or
contact information to people
I’ve only met online.
And yet, I’ve found that Dominants,
and particularly men who do the
same thing get less respect.
There are just as many
unbalanced women online
(Remember Fatal Attraction?)
as there are unbalanced men.
Don’t give out your personal information,
and also don’t worry if they won’t either.
What They Do For a Living
Yes, a stable person will have a stable job.
But they don’t need to be CEO of some
corporation to be able to dominate.
There is a stereotype of the female
executive submitting in the bedroom,
and the male househusband dominating,
but neither are relevant.
If ambition is important to you, fine.
But it doesn’t in itself indicate an ability to
either dominate or submit.
Great Clothes
Anyone can buy fabulous leather outfits.
Let them know you appreciate their clothing sense,
then move on to more substantial topics.
Assertive Mannerisms
There’s a huge difference
between controlling situations,
and controlling a person.
Don’t be fooled by people who
act assertive in public.
Charm & Flirtatiousness
It might be fun to flirt with
a charming Dominant,
but social skills have little to
do with the ability to control.
Paying for the Date (or whatever)
I used to think that the Dominant
should pay for the date because
they were the Dominant.
On the other hand,
some Dominants expect the Submissives
to pay as an homage.
A person may well be a fabulous Dominant,
but is unemployed,
low on cash,
or may believe in equality outside
the BDSM relationship.
The bottom line is that the person who
asks for the date should pay for it.
Don’t play games like waiting for
them to pick up the check.
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